"my dear Niki"

When you walk out on a life where you had everything but the appreciation for it, your only companion in the journey ahead is loneliness. Accepted as inevitable or masterfully hidden, anyone who has come a world away, lives two lives. Emotionally in the past world and physically in the new.And nothing ever comes close to bridge the two and make them one.

Just now i got a letter in the mail. An insignificant khaki envelope, with the same characteristic messed up hand. It even misspells USA as United state of Ammerica. Its me the cynic speaking this. I can see all teh mistakes in grammar, teh poor language and i remeber all teh screamings and misunderstandings, the tears and harsh words.

For all that time has brought upon us, it begins :"my dear Niki", and i sit here with tear in my eye. the sadness of how callous I've been and the magnanimity in writing those words.

Solitude in Silence

For once, i hope i don't have speak, to be heard. That you saw there were words, i couldn't say, but held in my eyes for you to know. But in the moment that mattered i looked away, and the words just were lost in the silence of all things unsaid.

For once, i hope i don't have to speak a word. that you saw there was a silence between us, that said it better than all words i had. That when the time came, i just didn't know what to choose. And pain of all things left undone just seared into my flesh.

For once i wish you didn't hear what i said, in the crashing rage of an ocean's storm, that killed the song, so just the music could go on.

Now in the silence of all things lost, i wonder if it was worth what i gained. If the moment past was just my last.

In the silence of all things i got, if it was what i wanted.If in the silence there is a song. That in the silence, i finally find the solitude i seek.

And i still wonder.

In defence of the "Indefensible"

I'm always asked the same questions. Someone older always asks what i do, others ask how i spend time. And no, I'm not complaining its hard.It is not. This question is insanely open ended and most times the "asker" is unconcerned of what you answer, as long as say something.Anything.


But in the answer i usually give, today i found 2 great secrets of the universe. And thats the point.

No matter how you answer it, the immutable law of the universe is that, despite what u do or don't do, time has a way of spending itself. You can just sit around all day or watch TV, live on facebook, answer mails, slog on "projects" or on certain capricious "project mates", or try to prove Einstein wrong,but at the end of the day its just that. Its the end of the day and you have spent it.

There isn't something inherently hard about this, just as long as you can prevent yourself from feeling guilty about not having spent it a "particular" way. And trust me this is hard. Somehow we all are constrained to believe, time spent in a particular way is more "worthwhile" than time spent another. Maybe its dad droning on about doing something other than watching TV, or mom screaming about cleaning your room or yourself thinking about living your life on facebook. Ever wondered what is the metric by which we pronounce watching TV, not cleaning your room, living on facebook, or reading or studying as being "worth" or "not worth" doing?

Now almost all people seem to think money is the measure of "worthiness" of things and anything that doesn't earn a monetary return is branded "idle". That chucks out facebook and its myriad quizzes, sleeping and TV and just about everything I (we?) do! So also does, going to a movie, CCD, reading a book, drawing since none of them naturally earn money but involves spending some(a lot if its CCD).

There are a rare few who use prestige/self satisfaction/self actualisation or some such abstract, hard-to-understand metric. Much as i love to say i use this, its spectacularly vague and i don't love things i don't understand. Like SETI's search for aliens , I'm yet to find, but i know there definitely are many more such standards people use to gauge what they do or justify what they did (or didn't) do depending on which side they are.

I had to preach this far, to bring in what by many (or any i think) metric remains "indefensible" and that is idleness. It doesn't earn you money, doesn't make you happy or satisfied or blah blah. Just that you have been idle and that you've spent time. despite the fact that we are taught that its a waste of a golden life, that god hates all idle people and sends them to hell and what not, there isn't yet a convincing reason why it is "indefensible". All animals live a life devoid of any discernible "purpose". People slog lifetimes in offices, in jobs they hate and wonder what good it does to him/her or to the world except that it earns you money, which you spend on things so that you can get to work tomorrow.

Now that's secret of the universe number two. There isn't a standard that decides what you do is "worthwhile" or not. So technically its all in the mind. Then why are we so afraid to say we wasted our time? why are we so afraid to waste our time? Lotsa difficult questions.

So thats the point, like the famous laws of thermodynamics or newton's motion( hahaha!) these two laws are so fundamental you could spend a life time trying to understand it. Now since I've done my bit of service to mankind by giving these two laws, lemme leave you with it. Mom's screaming somewhere, dad won't like me before the comp when he comes in and I've been on facebook all day. Lemme do something "worthwhile" and get lost.

PS: The author being unemployed only inspired the post and this isn't meant to be a justification of how he lives his life.

Results. Results. Results

Dear all,

i found this while browsing for my sisters results ( i know its a day to early, but u'll probably understand). The comments are very interesting and depict rather vividly what went thru their authors minds as they wrote it. I think we can empathise with them in various degrees. Comments are welcome. if u want to check first hand i have included the link. 

A word abt the comments , they were probably left by ppl who copied the previous comment and made suitable changes. Read on...

Re: 2009 puc result date

Posted by ibuzz, (2009-04-30 10:50:13)

The Pre-University Board will declare the II PUC results in the second week of May. 

http://www.deccanherald.com/Content/Apr302009/scroll20090430133367.asp?section=frontpagenews [link]

Re: hiiiiiii

Posted by sara, (2009-05-02 21:04:04)

Please can u inform what date will the results be announced on websites?

Re: hello

Posted by happy, (2009-05-02 21:06:02)

what is the exat date of puc result

Re: I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD

Posted by GIRI KUMAR G, (2009-05-03 16:16:35)

I WILL BE ONE OF THE TOP SCORER IN KARNATAKA PUC EXAMINATION

Re: MY DETAILS

Posted by GIRI KUMAR G {GOTTIGERE}, (2009-05-03 16:39:17)

I AM AN STUDENT STUDING IN KRUPANIDHI COLLEGE . I AM
MOST POWERFULL IN MY AREA 
I WILL TELL THE 2 ND PUC BOARD TO ISSUE THE RESULTS ON 8 MAY

Re: with money u can do anything

Posted by rohan kumar, (2009-05-03 21:13:25)

i am one of the richest in india.. i have given money to get very high marks. i saw a copy of my corrected paper, i got 88 in math expected only 45..

Re: Hopeless soul in the universe!

Posted by aknu, (2009-05-03 21:23:00)

I am the bestest last ranker in Karntaka! i think i will fail in all everthin including english..so pls lets all stand united and pray that the papers get burnt!! united we fail divided we pass..so pls co-operate

Re: studied hard

Posted by star, (2009-05-04 12:21:36)

i hv studied widout goin for classes n dat too in correspondence dat is widout 1st year base..
i dnt wnt to fail n i vl nt..
wen vl d results b out hell results??

Re: Commerce

Posted by Shashi kumar M, (2009-05-04 20:22:38)

I studied in mahajana p u college.it is one of top most college of MYSORE so i will also the topper of mysore like my college.

Re: puc lagey raho puc exam

Posted by Mohammed ismail, (2009-05-05 17:00:49)

hi I AM A 24 YEAR BOY I HAVE EXPRIANCE OF 4 YEAR OF PUC BUT I AM FAILURE STUDENT IN MATHS PLEASE PRAY FOR ME I HOPE THIS TIME I WILL BE PASSED INSHA ALLAH AAAMIN

Re: maths

Posted by sumalatha.v., (2009-05-06 10:37:20)

hi i am suma i had 1yr experience in puc but my tuff subject is maths piz pray for me all off them

Re: Maths

Posted by vinothkumar, (2009-05-06 11:04:31)

hi i am vinothkumar i had 2yr experience in puc but my tuff subject is maths piz pray for me all off them, i have given money to get very high marks. i saw a copy of my corrected paper

Re: God save me

Posted by Franklin macarthur, (2009-05-07 03:53:43)

I am a puc 1st year drop out, i'm writing after 6 years atlast, with 1 week of hard work, i think i may fail in accounts, i had no clue of the of the other subjects just wrote with a practical knowledge, If any one knows who can me passed, im ready to pay. Contact me on my first name dot last name@ gmail

Re: pray for me

Posted by md khan, (2009-05-07 12:27:17)

i am da student of puc & i did my exam very well so pray for me 2 b da topper.

Re:

Posted by shridhar, (2009-05-07 15:35:35)

puc results will come 9th may

Re: puc

Posted by jafu, (2009-05-07 22:16:49)

i am da student of puc i goin for classes n dat too in correspondence so please pray to god

Re: hi

Posted by rajesh, (2009-05-08 14:57:59)

im eager 2 c my girl friend result pls update soon ,buz i hav 2 celebrate ,im waiting 4 it

Re: commerce

Posted by sandeep, (2009-05-08 15:18:48)

im eager 2 c my sister-in-law result pls update soon ,buz i hav 2 celebrate ,im waiting 4 it

Re: at what time will result

Posted by pramod kumar, (2009-05-08 15:27:56)

at what time result will declare tomorrow.becoz its verry cellenging to me

Re: PUC result

Posted by Sameera Firdouse, (2009-05-08 15:37:04)

Mathematics was tough i may fail in that subject

Re: hiiiiiii dudlyyyy.......... ts s u bubby

Posted by pavithra, (2009-05-08 15:44:01)

m waitng for my rstlzzzzzzzz.........
hope for gud n congradulate 2 al my dears bst f luk

Re: Maths & phy..

Posted by Sudhakara GB, (2009-05-08 17:50:16)

i am one of the best stu.. in india.. i have given money to get very high marks. i saw a copy of my corrected paper, i got 92 in math expected only 50 below i hv studied widout goi.. for classes n dat too in correspondence dat is widout 1st year base..
i dnt wnt to fail n i vl nt..
wen vl d results b out hell results?? 
pl.. pray for god good marks.

Re: hai too every one

Posted by saleem, (2009-05-08 18:13:48)

my physics exam was very tuff please pray for me including u please for my result thats the only way

Re:

Posted by zuheb, (2009-05-08 18:17:46)

u al bunch of idiots... its tom at 3 30 i ll pray for u all!!! inshallah.. allah will make things work out fine....

Re: science

Posted by ateeq, (2009-05-08 18:20:00)

i m very confident about my result dat defintely i will get passed in the examination , so i dont want anyone to pray , i believe in god and god will give me the deservable ,

In Their Right places?!

The post of 18-8-07, was in the drafts. Its long past now but for sentiment's sake its here....

I once wrote placement co-ord's was a thankless job....not that i needed thanks. I get a particular flavor of satisfaction from this job, i couldn't perhaps ask for more. well its been a good run this season. A good part of my class and all the so called brains "settled" with their "dream jobs"! 

well i guess i need to take back my words or restate maybe- it might be thankless job but not boring. for one thing we have the rare privilege of seeing all the so called greats in their utter reality, the threadbare patchwork of ethics, intelligence,confidence,sensitivity and their lack most prominently.

the tense moments of placements shatter for some brief moments, walls we all put around ourselves...ppl's well thought disguises crash and strangely for me my own egoistical rantings, my likes and dislikes abt ppl melted.

 to those ppl, whose flash of a strained smile showed me we all have our fears,

to those abt who this is but  i know will never read this....

to ur tears, for showing me the reality of a getting a job...or not getting it...

to ur smiling face for showing me grit

to ur high floating egos for showing me how much a trifle our relations were...

to the archak of the little temple, for ur beatific smile every time i prayed for someone to make it through...

Thank you...

PS: life has changed in many ways for all about who this post is about. I quit. Others have found drudgery, happiness, love and life in the paths they took. The co-ord still thinks of those moments and those ppl. The temple and its archak remain. 

A new set of placement co-ords have come to graduate, another batch has had its year, fear and tear.

S for Strawberries

There is this place out in  the garden, where  i  sometimes sit reading. Just a large flat stone placed low in our little yard, next to a dozen plus one  rose plants. With all the plants in bloom and in the shade of the many larger plants, i soak the warm sun and sinister plots. Now its always hard to sit outside and read. I cant bring myself to do such gross injustice to nature, which is perhaps, the best written book in the world.

Among the roses plants, creeping on the ground, are a few strawberry plants. Nice little plants they are silent, to themselves, forever huddled close in gossip of the larger, brighter, taller neighbours around them. Now fortunately, my cousin who gave us this plant is a no brainier. Who else would give a year long fruiting plant with such 'demand' in the market to a bunch like us? Anyways brains or not, it finally ended up in a decrepit pot somewhere and survived and was transferred to a spacious plot where it has since spread and seeded!

 

Now "unemployed" as i am, i do the gardening and watering, and fussing around our large collection of plants. And given my close contact with them i always am the first to see the fruits hidden under the foliage. Now whenever i see them they are either unripe or too small or someway defective. So i let them stay there, so i can eat the bigger, better, redder ones later. Sadly that never happens! before they are how i want them, they either rot away, or i forget them too long and or grow into something hideous. In all the 5 months here, i have never eaten one from it.

Not so with the ladies of our house. Mom and sis whenever they're home always find some to munch. Bloody traitors these plants, always have something for them. (They have an uncanny resemblance to mech dept faculty, always partial to girls). Anyways, so that's the story so far,

they always get what "strawberries" they wanted and me never!  

All this has left  me sourer ( than usual) and redder in the face than strawberries themselves.

Then it struck me in the garden yesterday (gyan)

Dumbo that i am,i realised...

P for People, S for Strawberries.

twenty three..

Do u know that crushing feeling you get when you collapse inside out? When your  spent 20 years dreaming of it and when u reach it, its just a dud? Its like swallowing large spoonsful of bittergourd, or finding out the cute girl was taken by the friend who helped u make plans to magic her... not to put too fine a point on it... after a while it just doesnt feel anything coz* nothings left!

In labouring through years of school i always wished life were one long vacation. when i grew up i learnt one long vacation is called college. When i was young i was told i would understand everything when i grew up. When i felt grown up "physically" i was told i had to grow up mentally. When i was grown to be 21 when i can legally drive,vote, drink and marry i was told to stop asking that dumb question. And now at 23 i look into the mirror and tell myself " grow up kiddo, there is no such thing as understanding anything."

Once i wondered where kids come from.. now when  i'm "big" enough to have my own brood i wonder how do kids come when the parents are so busy fighting each other? Once i wondered why everyone wasn't rich? Now i know the question isn't about being  rich or poor but about "richer" and "poorer". Once i didn't think it necessary to "ask" to play with someone all day, now i know when somebody even reads your post you "must" say 'thank you for your time'.

And thats how i realised the hoax of it all and in turn started the domino effect on the complex arrangement of things and people called "my life". I learnt that my life so long and yours too was spent whistling at the wrong girl. That the facts of  life are only as straight as Elton John. 

U see when you grow up you dont understand anything better, you only understand its the wrong question ur asking. Brother its only in school that every question has an answer, one word or a line or a short paragraph. In life there are only questions, ones you ask ( and repent later) or the ones u keep to yours.